| 'Mrs Hagan?'
asked the policewoman. 'Yes,' I replied, my voice catching in my throat.
My mouth was dry and my tongue felt like sandpaper as I tried to swallow.
'May I come in, please?' We passed through the hall and into the sitting
room, and she gestured for me to sit down. 'I'm afraid I have some
bad news for you, Mrs Hagan.' She paused, but I knew what was coming.
Alex. I knew my life was about to fall apart. I read the look on her
face. 'I'm afraid to tell you your husband was involved in a fight
tonight, outside The Swan.' 'Alex wouldn't get involved in a fight.'
Alex in a fight? The idea was ridiculous. 'From eye witness accounts,
your husband didn't start the fight; he went to the aid of a young
man who was being attacked by two others. During the fight one of
the men produced a knife, and Mr Hagan was stabbed. I'm sorry to have
to tell you that he died at the scene, while receiving medical attention,'
said the policewoman. I don't remember much after that. I remember
the anger, the disbelief, the sudden, heart stopping pain I felt,
but they are all beginning to merge into grief. The volcano of sadness
that could erupt at any time, that only those who've lost their soulmate
can ever understand. What remains with me now is the thick, heavy
feeling of grief.The weight of which slows your every movement, so
you seem to be standing still as the rest of the world rushes by at
a frenetic pace. I wished Alex would stagger through that door, having
had four drinks too many, and telling me about the amazing shots he'd
played that night, and how many games he'd won. |
I usually
only half listened, but how I wanted to listen now. It all seemed
so important now. I wanted to savour every word, the sound of his
voice, his smile, his clothes dumped in a heap on the floor, after
he'd aimed them at the chair and missed. It didn't hit me that night
that he'd never walk through that door again.
‘So, are you really coping, or just trying to put on a brave
face for the outside world?’ The voice snapped me back to
the present. I was a little surprised, as no one had asked me such
a direct question since... When you’re grieving people seem
to tiptoe around you, as though they are afraid to wake you from
your grief, like it is a sort of dream.
‘I’m not I suppose.’ I rested my elbows on the
table and put my head in my hands.
‘You can’t stay in the house forever you know. You’ve
got to get out there. Start living your life again.’
‘Just who do you think you are? What right have you to be
telling me what to do? You’ve no idea how I feel.’ I
snarled.
‘Someone’s got to say it. You can’t just think
of yourself, whatever you’re going through right now. You’ve
got to deal with the fact that Alex is dead.’ She reached
across the table to lay a comforting hand on mine, but I pulled
back out of her reach.
No one had actually used that word in my hearing since Alex had
died. People always found a euphemism more appropriate. I saw now
that it had just been an easier way of dealing with the truth.
‘He was heroic really. Stepping in to help that young man
the way he did,’ said Jackie. |
